A Little Monday Funny!

I got this in an email from a colleague and they are pretty funny.  I hope they brighten your Monday!

-- I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
-- I had amnesia once -- or twice.
-- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
-- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
-- They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
-- Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
-- Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
-- Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
-- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
-- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
-- When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
-- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
-- My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
-- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
-- The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
-- How can there be self-help "groups"?
-- Is there another word for synonym?
-- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
-- The speed of time is one-second per second.
-- Is it possible to be totally partial?
-- What's another word for thesaurus?
-- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
-- It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.  
-- Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?